Football fans! It’s Fantasy Football Season!

It’s that time of year again, time to start planning your fantasy football team for the upcoming season — so why not sign up today for fantasy football? There’s nothing to take your mind off the everyday drudgery of work like fantasy football!

Stop competing and arguing with your co-workers about your work, and instead lock horns with them in a fantasy football league! Put aside those sales spreadsheets and pick up your football statistical analysis spreadsheets! Don’t waste your time on analyzing trends and forecasts, thrill to breaking down your advanced draft stats!

Your chance to sign up for fantasy football is fast approaching, and before you know it, it’ll be time for kickoff! Don’t waste this opportunity, because you’ll only be able to sign up for the season in the preseason, weeks 1-17, the playoffs, and at any point in the next 365 days. This is your best chance to get started in fantasy football!

Don’t simply relax and enjoy sports, be a part of the action by tracking every player on your team meticulously, play by play and second by second! Nothing is quite like the tension, anxiety and that ulcer-inducing sweet agony of spending your downtime with fantasy football! This could be your year!

Best of all, it’s totally free!

CUPERTINO, Calif. — Apple Inc. today introduced a new solid gold Iphone with unlimited battery life thanks to a synthetically-created dwarf star as its’ power source. Along with a quantum processor that exists simultaneously in all dimensions in a quantum state, the new device will also bend space and time to reappear in your pocket the instant after it is stolen or lost.

During an hour-long presentation on Apple’s Cupertino, Calif. campus, the company said the new phone will go on sale in three months. “We couldn’t be more excited to make the best Iphone we’ve ever made,” said CEO Tim Cook. “Once again, we’ve made a magical device that leapfrogs our competition.”

Senior Vice President of Marketing, Phil Schiller also sang the praises of the new device. “If I were one of our competitors, I’d start work right away and invest all the money you can get your hands on to beat this new Iphone.”

“Which is totally real,” he hastened to add, “And not at all something we made up.”

Industry experts agree with Mr. Schiller. “Companies like Samsung will undoubtedly have a superior product ready for market by the time the Iphone is ready to ship in three months,” said industry analyst Rob Enderle. “The track record speaks for itself. Although Apple’s competitors would probably have to spend themselves several billions of dollars into debt, risking insolvency, history has shown they’re up to the task.”

Apple did not have a physical device for the press to review, nor any images of the new handset. Still, Senior Vice President Jony Ive was effusive about it’s design. “It’s hard to describe,” he gushed, in an Apple-produced video shown during the presentation. “It’s one tenth the size of our current Iphone and less than a millimeter thick. Yet, the screen is thirty feet square, but can still be held in one hand. It’s truly amazing.”

“Making it from solid gold gives us a number of advantages,” Mr. Ive added, without elaboration.

The new Iphone, dubbed the Iphone 6000ZX Turbo Maxx, will retail for $5 in the US for a 1-terrabyte model. The aggressive pricing indicates intensifying competition with Samsung Electronics, Apple’s chief rival. Industry experts agree that the Korean electronics giant, accused of copying Apple’s designs, should have no problem spending the billions, if not trillions of dollars to develop a new phone in three months. Even if they then have to sell each device at a huge, insurmountable loss, Samsung should easily beat the new Iphone in specs and price.

“Unless they’re chicken,” Mr. Schiller said.

“Bgok, Bgok,” Mr. Cook added, flapping his arms.

In these challenging times, keeping up with events can be difficult, and with a 24-hour torrent of news, getting the crucial information that affects the way you live your life has become nearly impossible. Yes, as a society, we find ourselves awash in information, but unable to pick out the things that truly matter to us.

That’s why we’re excited to announce bikini-flash.com, your new home for news. No, bikini-flash.com isn’t news read by women in bikinis, because that would insult your intelligence. bikini-flash.com focuses on the most important questions of our time and does it better than anyone else.

Our site rushes all bikini-related news right to your desktop or internet-connected mobile device. That’s why we call it bikini-flash.com.

Extensive market research has painstakingly determined what the most clicked news stories found at major news sites are. By sheer numbers, bikinis are the hottest topic readers want to know more about. In fact, it’s hard not to find links in the sidebar of semi-credible news sites or at the end of apparently legitimate articles that do not lead to bikini-related news topics.

At bikini-flash.com, you’ll get the biggest stories from ground-breaking writers and award-winning photojournalists. Topical issues like “Is Lady Gaga’s Bikini Too Tight?” or “Katy Perry Shows Off Bikini Bod” will let you feel like you’re on the front lines of bikini news.

Hard-hitting political stories that deal with our ever-increasing daily strife in America are covered in minute detail. Headlines like “Sarah Plain’s Hottest Bikini Photos” and “Chelsea Clinton Goes Bareback in a Bikini” don’t take sides. It doesn’t matter if the celebrity is Republican or Democrat, if they live in a blue state or a red state, bikini-flash.com will be there.

International coverage keeps you updated from every corner of the globe. Beauty pageant scandals are exposed by our investigative team wherever they happen, from South Asia to South America. Our reporters blow the lid off Australian topless beaches. No bikini escapes our watch.

Articles also focus on young people’s issues, such as “My Mom Won’t Let Me Wear This Bikini!” or “Does This Bikini Make My Breasts Look Too Big?” Sports fans can read articles covering a wide spectrum of athletic competition, with topics ranging from Derek Jeter’s girlfriends to disgraced cheerleaders.

Yes, no longer do you have to wade through boring articles on miscellaneous topics to get to the news links you want. Just go to bikini-flash.com and get all the bikini-related news you apparently crave!

Folks can have a hard time keeping track of their lives, and these days we all need a little help. And let’s face it, one of the hardest things to keep track of are the mistruths and the unspoken hush-hush details that make up the tapestry of our shared experience. As a wise person once said, “the hardest thing about lying is keeping your lies straight.”

That’s why there’s Google Secrets.

Now, keep all your innermost secrets in a safe, private place only you can access. Think of it – with Google Secrets, you can rid your mind of haunting memories and the evil that dwells in your soul by storing it all online in the cloud.

“What lie did I tell my mother so we didn’t have to visit her in the hospital?”

“What did I tell the boss to pass blame about those faulty turbine blades?”

And of course, “just where did I bury those bodies?”

It all comes together thanks to Google Secrets.

If you need to cross-reference your lies, our easy searchable database will let you see who’s been told exactly what. Use any computer, smartphone or tablet to quickly double-check your story. And for those involved in huge cover-ups that span multiple people, one quick click shares your lie. It’s just that simple.

Best of all, it’s a free service backed by the privacy experts at Google. To try Google Secrets (beta) today, just sign up at google.com/secrets.

I’m a fan of a lot of current bands, but one of my old favorites is New Order. Back in the wilderness period between New Order’s 1993 and 1999 albums, their band manger proposed an all-encompassing back catalog release which he called “Recycle.” It eventually succumbed to reality and became the half-assed box set “Retro.” That didn’t stop several fans from making their own versions of the proposed Recycle set, and this was my version of it: Recycle