So anyway, surely you’ve noticed that marketers tend to add extra words and terms to their product names to punch them up a little. A product that was once titled “Unit” is revised and then called “Unit Plus.” These days, it can be “Unit Ultra” or “Unit Max.” The words don’t actually describe anything, they’re just decorative. It’s odd, isn’t it? I think they’re called “Modifiers” in the trade.

…Is there a trade for this kind of thing?

Come to think of it, is there some kind of international regulatory body for these peculiar little words? Companies seem to borrow the modifiers from others liberally, and they run through the marketing-sphere virally. Soon every product is a “Max” or an “Ultra.” It’s absolutely infectious, and it feels completely unoriginal. Just the same terms used over and over again. They mean virtually nothing, but they’re treated like they do.

So I wrote down a few for my own amusement, and as things tend to go for me, I had a list of dozens before long. Now what do I do with it? Then I remembered I had built a whole website where I could post them.

The List

^{“…” Is a stand-in for a product name or term. Where you see “…” without a space before or after a term, it is an indication that the modifier is appended to a word directly, such as “MegaUnit” instead of a separate word.}

^{Where descriptive nouns such as “Gold,” “Ice,” or “Blue” are used, it is assumed that the product itself is not made of gold or ice nor blue, it’s just an affectation. If it was truly descriptive, it’s not a true modifier.}

^{A “Category” entry indicates that there are several appropriate words that can be used around a theme, but listing them all would be a bit tedious and unnecessary, so just a few examples are shown so you get the idea.}

Football fans! It’s Fantasy Football Season!

It’s that time of year again, time to start planning your fantasy football team for the upcoming season — so why not sign up today for fantasy football? There’s nothing to take your mind off the everyday drudgery of work like fantasy football!

Stop competing and arguing with your co-workers about your work, and instead lock horns with them in a fantasy football league! Put aside those sales spreadsheets and pick up your football statistical analysis spreadsheets! Don’t waste your time on analyzing trends and forecasts, thrill to breaking down your advanced draft stats!

Your chance to sign up for fantasy football is fast approaching, and before you know it, it’ll be time for kickoff! Don’t waste this opportunity, because you’ll only be able to sign up for the season in the preseason, weeks 1-17, the playoffs, and at any point in the next 365 days. This is your best chance to get started in fantasy football!

Don’t simply relax and enjoy sports, be a part of the action by tracking every player on your team meticulously, play by play and second by second! Nothing is quite like the tension, anxiety and that ulcer-inducing sweet agony of spending your downtime with fantasy football! This could be your year!

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CUPERTINO, Calif. — Apple Inc. today introduced a new solid gold Iphone with unlimited battery life thanks to a synthetically-created dwarf star as its’ power source. Along with a quantum processor that exists simultaneously in all dimensions in a quantum state, the new device will also bend space and time to reappear in your pocket the instant after it is stolen or lost.

During an hour-long presentation on Apple’s Cupertino, Calif. campus, the company said the new phone will go on sale in three months. “We couldn’t be more excited to make the best Iphone we’ve ever made,” said CEO Tim Cook. “Once again, we’ve made a magical device that leapfrogs our competition.”

Senior Vice President of Marketing, Phil Schiller also sang the praises of the new device. “If I were one of our competitors, I’d start work right away and invest all the money you can get your hands on to beat this new Iphone.”

“Which is totally real,” he hastened to add, “And not at all something we made up.”

Industry experts agree with Mr. Schiller. “Companies like Samsung will undoubtedly have a superior product ready for market by the time the Iphone is ready to ship in three months,” said industry analyst Rob Enderle. “The track record speaks for itself. Although Apple’s competitors would probably have to spend themselves several billions of dollars into debt, risking insolvency, history has shown they’re up to the task.”

Apple did not have a physical device for the press to review, nor any images of the new handset. Still, Senior Vice President Jony Ive was effusive about it’s design. “It’s hard to describe,” he gushed, in an Apple-produced video shown during the presentation. “It’s one tenth the size of our current Iphone and less than a millimeter thick. Yet, the screen is thirty feet square, but can still be held in one hand. It’s truly amazing.”

“Making it from solid gold gives us a number of advantages,” Mr. Ive added, without elaboration.

The new Iphone, dubbed the Iphone 6000ZX Turbo Maxx, will retail for $5 in the US for a 1-terrabyte model. The aggressive pricing indicates intensifying competition with Samsung Electronics, Apple’s chief rival. Industry experts agree that the Korean electronics giant, accused of copying Apple’s designs, should have no problem spending the billions, if not trillions of dollars to develop a new phone in three months. Even if they then have to sell each device at a huge, insurmountable loss, Samsung should easily beat the new Iphone in specs and price.

“Unless they’re chicken,” Mr. Schiller said.

“Bgok, Bgok,” Mr. Cook added, flapping his arms.

In these challenging times, keeping up with events can be difficult, and with a 24-hour torrent of news, getting the crucial information that affects the way you live your life has become nearly impossible. Yes, as a society, we find ourselves awash in information, but unable to pick out the things that truly matter to us.

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Our site rushes all bikini-related news right to your desktop or internet-connected mobile device. That’s why we call it bikini-flash.com.

Extensive market research has painstakingly determined what the most clicked news stories found at major news sites are. By sheer numbers, bikinis are the hottest topic readers want to know more about. In fact, it’s hard not to find links in the sidebar of semi-credible news sites or at the end of apparently legitimate articles that do not lead to bikini-related news topics.

At bikini-flash.com, you’ll get the biggest stories from ground-breaking writers and award-winning photojournalists. Topical issues like “Is Lady Gaga’s Bikini Too Tight?” or “Katy Perry Shows Off Bikini Bod” will let you feel like you’re on the front lines of bikini news.

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Articles also focus on young people’s issues, such as “My Mom Won’t Let Me Wear This Bikini!” or “Does This Bikini Make My Breasts Look Too Big?” Sports fans can read articles covering a wide spectrum of athletic competition, with topics ranging from Derek Jeter’s girlfriends to disgraced cheerleaders.

Yes, no longer do you have to wade through boring articles on miscellaneous topics to get to the news links you want. Just go to bikini-flash.com and get all the bikini-related news you apparently crave!

Folks can have a hard time keeping track of their lives, and these days we all need a little help. And let’s face it, one of the hardest things to keep track of are the mistruths and the unspoken hush-hush details that make up the tapestry of our shared experience. As a wise person once said, “the hardest thing about lying is keeping your lies straight.”

That’s why there’s Google Secrets.

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“What lie did I tell my mother so we didn’t have to visit her in the hospital?”

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It all comes together thanks to Google Secrets.

If you need to cross-reference your lies, our easy searchable database will let you see who’s been told exactly what. Use any computer, smartphone or tablet to quickly double-check your story. And for those involved in huge cover-ups that span multiple people, one quick click shares your lie. It’s just that simple.

Best of all, it’s a free service backed by the privacy experts at Google. To try Google Secrets (beta) today, just sign up at google.com/secrets.