Apple Announces Dwarf Star Powered Solid Gold Iphone

24 May 14

CUPERTINO, Calif. — Apple Inc. today introduced a new solid gold Iphone with unlimited battery life thanks to a synthetically-created dwarf star as its’ power source. Along with a quantum processor that exists simultaneously in all dimensions in a quantum state, the new device will also bend space and time to reappear in your pocket the instant after it is stolen or lost.

During an hour-long presentation on Apple’s Cupertino, Calif. campus, the company said the new phone will go on sale in three months. “We couldn’t be more excited to make the best Iphone we’ve ever made,” said CEO Tim Cook. “Once again, we’ve made a magical device that leapfrogs our competition.”

Senior Vice President of Marketing, Phil Schiller also sang the praises of the new device. “If I were one of our competitors, I’d start work right away and invest all the money you can get your hands on to beat this new Iphone.”

“Which is totally real,” he hastened to add, “And not at all something we made up.”

Industry experts agree with Mr. Schiller. “Companies like Samsung will undoubtedly have a superior product ready for market by the time the Iphone is ready to ship in three months,” said industry analyst Rob Enderle. “The track record speaks for itself. Although Apple’s competitors would probably have to spend themselves several billions of dollars into debt, risking insolvency, history has shown they’re up to the task.”

Apple did not have a physical device for the press to review, nor any images of the new handset. Still, Senior Vice President Jony Ive was effusive about it’s design. “It’s hard to describe,” he gushed, in an Apple-produced video shown during the presentation. “It’s one tenth the size of our current Iphone and less than a millimeter thick. Yet, the screen is thirty feet square, but can still be held in one hand. It’s truly amazing.”

“Making it from solid gold gives us a number of advantages,” Mr. Ive added, without elaboration.

The new Iphone, dubbed the Iphone 6000ZX Turbo Maxx, will retail for $5 in the US for a 1-terrabyte model. The aggressive pricing indicates intensifying competition with Samsung Electronics, Apple’s chief rival. Industry experts agree that the Korean electronics giant, accused of copying Apple’s designs, should have no problem spending the billions, if not trillions of dollars to develop a new phone in three months. Even if they then have to sell each device at a huge, insurmountable loss, Samsung should easily beat the new Iphone in specs and price.

“Unless they’re chicken,” Mr. Schiller said.

“Bgok, Bgok,” Mr. Cook added, flapping his arms.